


Long Distance Family Relationships

by Tyloric



Series: Unlimited Data Plan [1]
Category: Skyfall (2012) - Fandom, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: A Little Bit Of Crack, Alternate Universe - Crossover, Alternate Universe - Twins, Brothers, Clint Needs a Hug, Clint tells it how it is, Dysfunctional Family, Everyone just needs to chill out, Experimental, Family, Gen, Humor, James Bond goes through phones like I go through Cheetos, M/M, Texting, a little bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-19 15:44:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/574928
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tyloric/pseuds/Tyloric
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even secret agents have families. </p><p>Or the one where Clint Barton and James Bond are fraternal twin brothers whose relationship is exclusively over the phone but somehow they're totally okay with that. Phil and Natasha are there too, just hangin' out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Long Distance Family Relationships

**Author's Note:**

> And now for something completely different.

**[Text Transcript]**  
[Clint, James]  
Clint: Hi.  
James: How do you already have this number?  
Clint: Eerie, isn’t it? It’s like I’m in your head.  
James: Or you bribed someone at SHIELD for the intel.  
Clint: That too.  
  
 **[Text Transcript]**  
[Clint, James]  
Clint: I’m bored.  
James: I’m working.  
Clint: Me too.  
James: Then focus on your job.  
Clint: But my target isn’t here yet.  
James: You’re a terrible agent.  
Clint: You’re a terrible brother.  
James: Brat.  
Clint: Ass.  
  
 **[Text Transcript]**  
[Clint, James]  
Clint: Natasha says hi.  
James: Are you having sex with her?  
Clint: Why would you ask that?  
James: I just wonder why she’d still be talking to you, otherwise.  
Clint: You’re a dick.  
James: Tell her I say hello.  
Clint: Tell her yourself. Dick.  
James: Brat.  
  
 **[Text Transcript]**  
[James, Natasha]  
James: Hello.  
Natasha: Hello, James.  
James: He’s still a brat.  
Natasha: But he’s our brat.  
James: Indeed.  
Natasha: Has he told you about his little crush yet?  
James: His what?  
Natasha: This is going to be fun.  
  
 **[Call Transcript]**  
[James - > Clint]  
Clint: Hello?  
James: What’s this I hear about you having a crush?  
Clint: [pause] My what now? Who told you that?  
James: A good agent never reveals his sources.  
Clint: I mean, who would- [pause] Oh. Oh, that _bitch_.  
James: For us being twins, it did take you long enough to grow up.  
Clint: Bite me.  
James: [chuckles]  
[Call disconnects]  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, James]  
James: So what’s his name?  
Clint: Drop it.  
James: Is he cute?  
Clint: I hate you.  
James: A nice arse?  
Clint: You’re a terrible person.  
James: blue eyes? You’ve always had a weakness.  
Clint: And I hope you die.  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, James]  
James: I’ll be unreachable for a while.  
Clint: How long is a while?  
James: However long it takes.  
Clint: Okay. Stay safe and kill bad guys and stuff.  
James: You’re such a child.  
James: And tell your boyfriend I said hi.  
Clint: Plucky.  
James: Wanker.  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, James]  
Clint: Call me.  
  
 **[Call Transcript]**  
[Dialing...]  
[Voicemail (James)]  
Clint: James, call me when you get this.  
[Call disconnects]  
  
 **[Call Transcript]**  
[Dialing...]  
Operator: The number you are dialing has been dis-  
[Call disconnects]  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
Natasha: I just heard.  
Clint: They’re saying he’s dead. That can’t be true, right?  
Clint: He’s too stubborn to die.  
Natasha: I’ll call you when I’m done babysitting Stark.  
  
 **[Call transcript]**  
[Clint, Natasha]  
Natasha: So what do you know?  
Clint: He was on an op. Something about a disc. I don’t know. They’re saying he was shot.  
Natasha: Who is saying?  
Clint: Coulson did some digging for me. The official MI-6 report is a load of shit. “Died saving lives” is what they said to me. Who do they think they’re fooling?  
Natasha: Calm down.  
Clint: I am calm, dammit!  
Natasha: _Clint._  
Clint: [long pause] Sorry. It’s just... Nat, he’s the only family I’ve got.  
Natasha: I know. Did they find the body?  
Clint: No... no, I don’t think so.  
Natasha: Then have some faith.  
Clint: I’ve never been big on faith.  
Natasha: [pause] I’ll be back soon.  
Clint: Okay.  
[Call disconnects]  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Phil]  
Clint: Any news?  
Phil: None.  
Clint: Keep me up to date?  
Phil: Focus, Barton.  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Phil]  
Clint: Any news?  
Phil: No.  
Clint: Alright.  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Phil]  
Clint: Any news?  
  
 **[Call transcript]**  
[Phil - > Clint]  
Phil: I would tell you if there was anything you needed to know, Barton.  
Clint: Sorry, sir, it’s just that... [silence]  
Phil: [softly] I know.  
Clint: Phil, what if-?  
Phil: I’ll be here either way, Clint.  
Clint: [pause] Right. Thank you, sir.  
Phil: Back to work.  
Clint: [chuckle] Sir, yes sir.  
[Call disconnects]  
  
 **[Call transcript]**  
[Phil - > Clint]  
Phil: Barton.  
Clint: Hey, boss.  
Phil: [pause] MI-6 has called off their search. They’re listing him as MIA, presumed dead.  
Clint: [silence]  
Phil: Clint-  
Clint: [clears throat] Thanks for letting me know.  
Phil: [pause] Of course.  
Clint: Talk to you later, Coulson.  
[Call disconnects]  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Natasha]  
Clint: I think James is dead.  
Natasha: I’m sorry.  
Clint: Me too.  
  
____________________________  
  
 **[Call transcript]**  
[??? - > Clint]  
Clint: Hello?  
[silence]  
Clint: Seriously, who is this?  
[silence]  
Clint: [rambling] I swear to god if HYDRA or AIM or whatever managed to get my number I’m going to be severely pi-  
???: It’s me.  
Clint: [long pause] Prove it.  
???: You named your first bow Mittens.  
Clint: Holy shit.  
???: Yeah.  
Clint: James.  
James: Yeah.  
Clint: [long pause] Where the _fuck_ have you been, you goddamned son of a bitch?  
James: Clint-  
Clint: Were you on an op?  
James: Clint...  
Clint: Were you. on. an op?  
James: [pause, sigh] No.  
Clint: Then where the hell have you been for the past _six months_?!  
James: [pause] I wanted out.  
Clint: [silence]  
James: Clint?  
Clint: Why? What happened?  
James: I was... [pause] I was compromised. [bitter laughter]  
Clint: Why come back?  
James: [pause] Living on the beach constantly shit faced isn’t as much fun as it sounds.  
Clint: [surprised laughter]  
James: I just... [falls silent]  
[long silence]  
Clint: So, guess what?  
James: What?  
Clint: Norse gods exist.  
James: [snort] Oh, really?  
Clint: Yeah. Except they’re not really gods. Apparently they’re aliens.  
James: Oh, well, as long as that’s clear.  
Clint: [laughs] Right?  
James: [laughs]  
[silence]  
James: I’m sorry.  
Clint: I know. I get it.  
James: [sighs] I just wanted to call because... I might be having to go off the grid again.  
Clint: This have to do with the bombing at MI-6 HQ?  
James: Yeah.  
Clint: [pause] If you die again I will personally come and kill you. I’ll go all Ghostbusters, Exorcism on your ass.  
James: [snort] Alright.  
Clint: James?  
James: What?  
Clint: I’m really glad you’re not dead.  
James: [chuckle] Me too.  
Clint: Oh, and remember that, uh... crush I had?  
James: What about it?  
Clint: His name’s Phil. He’s actually my handler. And it’s... it’s kind of a thing now.  
James: [long pause] What of yours is he handling, exactly?  
[Call disconnects]  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Phil, Natasha]  
Clint: My brother is a prick and I hate him and a bunch of other means things and you should both hate him with me.  
Natasha: Not dead then?  
Phil: I’ve never even met your brother.  
Natasha: You’d like him, Phil. He’s a lot like you and much cuter than Clint.  
Phil: I’m looking forward to it.  
Clint: You can both go to hell.  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, James]  
Clint: Good luck.  
James: Thanks.  
Clint: And remember: exorcism.  
James: And Ghostbusters. Yes.  
Clint: And I bet I can even get R &D to make ectoplasmic arrows or something.  
James: Goodbye, Clint.  
Clint: Bye. :D  
  
 **[Call transcript]**  
[Clint - > Phil]  
Clint: Is it true?  
Phil: Is what true, agent Barton?  
Clint: Captain Sparkle Pants is actually alive?  
Phil: [silence]  
Clint: This doesn’t mean you’re gonna cheat on me, does it? I’m not the sharing type.  
Phil: [long pause] If I were to ever consider being unfaithful, it would be with your brother.  
Clint: Oh, that is so not cool.  
[Call disconnects]  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Natasha]  
Clint: My boyfriend is going to cheat on me with either a 90 year old or my brother.  
Natasha: So he’s developing taste?  
Clint: What did I do to deserve this?  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Phil]  
Clint: Just remember. I give you head.  
Phil: Noted.  
  
 **[Call transcript]**  
[James - > Clint]  
Clint: Y-ello?  
James: It’s me.  
Clint: [cheerily] Oh, hey. Back from your super secret mission?  
James: Nope, looks like it’s going to take a bit longer than I thought.  
Clint: Bummer. Why are you calling then? Big risk, isn’t it?  
[silence]  
Clint: James?  
James: Not sure if I’m coming back.  
Clint: [pause] Do you need me?  
James: [chuckle] No. Just wanted you to know. I’m going... home for a bit.  
Clint: Home? [pause] _That_ home?  
James: Yeah.  
Clint: [long pause] Okay.  
James: Okay.  
Clint: I don’t know what you’re into, but you better not die. I was serious before. And if you do die you had better at least take whoever it is with you.  
James: [chuckles] I pomise. [pause] You won’t be able to reach me on this number again.  
Clint: Good luck.  
[Call disconnects]  
  
 **[Call transcript]**  
[Clint - > Phil]  
Clint: I need you to do me a favor.  
Phil: What kind of favor?  
Clint: Keep an eye on my old house.  
Phil: [pause] Skyfall?  
Clint: Yeah. My brother is about to do something stupid, I think.  
Phil: It must run in the family.  
Clint: Har har.  
[Call disconnects]  
  
____________________________  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Phil]  
Phil: Your house exploded.  
Clint: God dammit. He alive?  
Phil: Unknown.  
Clint: God dammit. He’s such an asshole.  
Phil: Pot, kettle.  
Clint: Just tell me if I need to go rescue him.  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Phil]  
Phil: He’s alive.  
Clint: He’s such an asshole.  
Phil: So I’ve heard.  
Clint: He have a new phone yet?  
Phil: [redacted]  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, Natasha]  
Clint: He is such an asshole.  
Natasha: But he’s our asshole.  
Clint: ...ha.  
Natasha: I may have to kill you.  
  
 **[Text transcript]**  
[Clint, James]  
Clint: Call me when you’re not such an asshole.  
  
____________________________  
  
 **[Call transcript]**  
[James - > Clint]  
James: It’s me.  
Clint: [huffs] Took you long enough.  
James: Been busy.  
Clint: You blew up the house.  
James: Yes, I did. I never liked it. You’d already sold it anyway.  
Clint: [pause] You okay?  
James: [long pause] Not everyone came back.  
Clint: I’m sorry.  
James: So am I.  
Clint: But you’re actually okay? Not about to snap and go on a murderous rampage?  
James: I will be.  
Clint: You’ll be going on a murderous rampage?  
James: [sighs] Clint...  
Clint: Cause I’m just saying, if I need to come out there to make sure you don’t blow up another building, I will.  
James: [pause] Everything’s fine. Just a lot that still needs to be done.  
Clint: Being a secret agent sucks.  
James: [chuckle] We love it.  
Clint: Yeah, I guess we do.  
James: I’ll talk to you later.  
Clint: Sounds good. And James?  
James: Hm?  
Clint: [pause] I love you.  
James: [long pause] Love you too.  
Clint: Prick.  
James: Little shit.

**Author's Note:**

>   


End file.
